Flake

Today is what I will call a ‘flake day’.  It is one of those days that I flaked on two important-to-me appointments.  For both appointments, I left people hanging.  I would like to say that this is not normal for me…but I would be lying.

What is normal is that I mostly have my schedule and act together and show up for my appointments…WHEN MY WEEKS ARE NORMAL.  This week is not normal.  For one, the weather is messing with the kids’ schedule and 2 hour delays are changing my priorities.  Second, my husband is travelling (which is becoming a normal thing).  Lastly, I leave tomorrow for some R&R.

Here is what I would like to say to myself.

1. So good to see that you are practicing NOT being perfect.
2. So good to see that you are willing to own your mistake and move on.
3. So good to see that you are able to sit with the thought “I’ve screwed up and ruined my opportunity” and turn it around to…mistakes happen, you’ll be ok, people will understand AND what if the opportunity is ruined?  What does that mean?
4. So good to see that you recognize where you can change how you handle complicated weeks…like, leaving lots of empty space for dealing with the complicated week,  and not adding to the schedule after the week has started.

Some thoughts to ponder:

• Why is it that I ‘tend to’ pack a lot into my schedule during weeks that are complicated?
• Why is it that ‘Murphy’s Law’ is that when my schedule is tight, more things show up to fill the empty spots on my calendar?
• Why is it that I feel compelled to ‘say yes’ and book the earliest date even if it makes my week busy and complicated?

I will leave these questions for now…and I set the intention that I will be more “present” with my schedule and be aware that during busy/complicated weeks it will serve me to ‘un-complicate’ it as much as possible.  I also intend to be willing to see that urgency is not the best policy.

I do like busy.  I do like connecting with others.  I don’t like missing my meetings and I don’t like how I feel about it….so I am looking to see where all of my desires can be met within the framework of balance and grace.

I officially release myself from this situation and move onto….PACKING and QUICK SHOPPING….both of which I’ve left to the last minute…which is for exploration ANOTHER TIME.

Life is good…and will be feeling great on my trip!  Deep cleansing breath…

 

Eleventh Hour

The idiom ‘eleventh hour’ has been a potential blog post title twice before because it seems that I often sit to write at the last hour of the day which so happens to be 11.

It is often my attempt to eek out a post before the days-end.

I know I’ve used that phrase before because basically through my young-adult life, that is how I got stuff done…at the 11th hour.  I really never was curious about its origin until tonight.

I love that the internet can effortlessly give me a hint at what I am curious about.  I say hint because I still hold the belief that you can’t trust everything you read on the internet.

I love that I get this curiosity from my dad.  Who has an affinity for knowing a little bit about everything and a whole lot about some things (like flying).

My short journey on the Search Engine (toot toot) produced this information:

 “Late; shortly before an anticipated event. Matthew’s parable of the laborers in
the vineyard (20: 2-16) has the men hired at the eleventh hour being paid as
much as the ones hired early in the morning, even though the eleventh-hour
people only worked for an hour. From this sense of being barely in time to
receive some benefit comes the concept of time running out.” ” From “The
Dictionary of Cliches” by James Rogers (Ballantine Books, New York, 1985).

I am grateful that I am able to post this at the 11th hour, by the skin-of-my-teeth, post haste!

Endnotes:

Skin of my teeth

Geneva Bible, 1560, in Job 19:20

Teeth don’t have skin, of course, so the writer may have been alluding to the teeth’s surface or simply to a notional minute measure – something that might now be referred to, with less poetic imagery than the biblical version, as ‘as small as the hairs on a gnat’s bollock’.

Post haste:

1545, usually said to be from “post haste” instruction formerly written on letters (attested from 1538), from post (3) “system for sending mail” + haste. The verb post “to ride or travel with great speed” is recorded from 1558.

Writing Light

Today on the first of this last month of 2013,

I had intended to write to start off the month “right”.

I was waiting for the perfect time to allow my fingers to alight the keys (blasted perfectionism).

It is now almost midnight (a bit later than expected).

I write.

The content is light.

I can sleep tight.

Knowing I did myself right.

By writing just a tad tonight.

More tomorrow….

Five Squared

This morning a fun little exercise came to me….popped right into my head.  It is a solution to a current motivation problem I have.  I feel that some days I think of all the things I “need to do” and overwhelm happens.  Then the time zappers come; Facebook checks, refrigerator checks, email checks and back round again.  Before I know it, I have done not much of anything (or so I tell myself).  I am pretty sure I am not giving myself credit for what I really do accomplish….and for some reason it still ‘isn’t enough’. 

My “exercise” is based on the thought “What if I set goals that are meaningful AND manageable and if achievement of those goals determine whether I’ve been successful or not?”. 

Soooooo….For the next 25 days I will attempt this little ‘5×5 Exercise’….if you didn’t notice by the way, 5×5=25 (genius right?).  Here are the list of 5 things I will do 5 of…and if I accomplish each of these 5 things, my day will be a success AND if I do it for 25 days (accommodating for holiday travel), the MONTH is a success!  

1. 5 “to dos” (related to either running my life and/or business)
2. 5 minutes of meditating
3. 5 glasses of water
4. 5 chores…5 minutes a piece
5. 5 media checks (can check email/Facebook five times in the day)

Bonus –  I would like to exercise 5 times a week!

If you know me at all, you’ll know that this isn’t my first “challenge”- see here, here and here..  I like challenges…and I like what they do for me. 

Just for kicks –  Here’s to the number 5 means….numerologically speaking

The number five is all about changes.  The changes can be from good to bad or vice versa.  On the positive side, it is associated with new and visionary ideas, quick thinking, expansiveness, daring, versatility, action, curiosity, exploration, promotion, and freedom.  Negatively, the number is also associated with restlessness, edginess, dissatisfaction, hasty decisions, discontent, impatience, and boredom.

Where are you?

Where are you my “drive”?

I seem to have lost you.

I see you in spits and spurts…

but, I think you’ve moved to the passenger seat.

I seem to resist you not being here.

I seem to be unwilling to be okay with you in the passenger seat.

What would it mean to be okay with a lack of drive?

It would mean I get to do nothing or something whenever I feel like it.

It would mean I trust that it will come when I need it.

It would mean that some days I am in full throttle…

and some days I am in idle…

and some I am on cruise control.

What is wrong with that?

I don’t know?

Somehow I’ve been believing that it isn’t right.

I am choosing for this moment to believe that it is quite all right…

and, in fact, necessary to replenish my systems for my next full throttle experience.

I like that thought.

Now what?

Now, I ….now, I….now, I… sit and wait for a whisper of what to do next.

I’m listening!

Productivity – flow and no-flow

Some days I feel as if I’m a slow as a slug and not producing anything.  On those days if I look back, I had no clear deadlines or ‘ends’ to work toward.  Maybe if I don’t see a clear deadline I can a) create one or b) take that day off of feeling as if I NEED to be productive. 

And then there are those days…you know them…the days in which you feel as if you’re on fire and that you’re accomplishing things that make you feel super good, on top of it…AND the house gets cleaned, and you remember to mail birthday cards, and dinner is planned ahead of time.  Its as if extra hours were put in that day without you knowing it.  Those are my flow days.  I am having one today.  I have a few different ‘things’ going on at once and I am efficiently responding and producing toward completing these ‘things’.   AND I showered, AND the beds are made, AND I’m even able to write this blog….AND there are still more hours for me to do more, AND I don’t mind that there is more to do.  So…maybe on these FLOW days, I ratchet up my ideas of what I want to accomplish and just go for it…so that on my “no flow days” (as described above), I can feel fairly confident that I earned it in some way.

Another reason for my burst of productivity is that I just listened to the book Getting Things Done by David Allen…the biggest lessons I learned are…WRITE STUFF DOWN and think of the NEXT very specific step for each ‘to do’ item and write it down too. 

I’m outa’here!  Gotta do my next thing!  I’m on fire!

Reverb 10: Beyond Avoidance

Reverb10 Prompt:  What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing it?

Besides the normal wishing I’d said NO, or some of my “follow through” on things, the avoidance that comes first to my mind is…not “going for it” on many elements related to my interests and passions.  Many many MANY ideas have come to me in the past year, some I’ve followed through on and some I’ve not.  My hunch is that the stuff I didn’t follow through on, were ones that would have put me in a more vulnerable state in terms of really saying what I want, trying to get it and risking failing (or succeeding).  I believe that is why I’m compelled to use the word COURAGE as my word for 2011.

I do subscribe to the concept that it is not worth focusing on the things that I have NOT done, but to focus on what I choose to do moving forward…so, I choose COURAGE…and my next ‘trick’ will be to decide what COURAGE looks like for January.

Reverb10: 5 Minutes

First I must tell my “back story” on this:

I have known about this website www.reverb10.com for about 11 days now.  It is a 31 day challenge where there are daily prompts to reflect on and write about in blogs or journals.  I have resisted doing this for one reason only…I am a bleepin’ perfectionist.  I thought I was a “recovering perfectionist”, but this has shown me that I still have tendencies. 

Here is why I’ve not written…because I didn’t find it on the first day it started.  I found it on day 3 and was conflicted by how I would be able to participate when I was late to the game?, then I put it off another day, then I thought I’d pick it up on an ‘even’ day (can you say OCD?), then I put it off, then I came up with a plan to do them all in one post to catch up…then I put it off.  This circular thinking only accomplished ONE THING….it accomplished me doing NOTHING.  Grrrrr.  Anyway, it is now Day 15.  I’ve missed 14 days of the 31 day challenge and I’ve decided to jump in here, not look back and assume that these next 16 days will be exactly what I’m meant to do, no more no less. 

Just so you know my inner critic is speaking to me right now (let’s call her Princess Perfect) and she is saying…Oh but aren’t you going to do the other previous prompts? Those NEED to be done to complete the challenge, what if you’re missing something good? Won’t you feel inadequate for not at least acknowledging the other 14 prompts. 

AND NOW, I say to her…SHUT UP ALREADY and let me be a little courageous, a little naughty, a little imperfect and just do it right here right now in this moment and going forward…that is how I am CHOOSING to do it and…YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.  So, with all that being said, here is the prompt and here is my answer:

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. 

1. Being coached by Martha Beck
2. Being with my tribe in Colorado
3. Weekly visits with my buddies
4. Almost daily walks with my friend
5. Kids being so cool at the ages they are
6. Vietnam and Cambodia with my husband – 15 years!
7. Starting this website
8. Continuing on my other website
9. Finding Good Vibe University
10. Reading tons of inspirational books
11. Being with family on multiple occasions
12. Buying flannel sheets and loving my bed again
13. Rainbows, sunsets, Eagles, hummingbirds, lakes, nature, connection to something bigger than me
14. Clients who inspire and challenge me
15. Photographing beautiful people (especially babies)
16. Witnessing magic on a regular basis
17. My mom and dad
18. Piano lessons, music shows, soccer games, school assemblies, playdates, game nights, outdoor adventures, slumber parties, movies, everyday magic of being a daughter, sister, wife, mother…and human being. 
19. If I don’t remember these things, I believe I will know that I am loved, I do love, I am happy, I am well and I love this game called life! 
20. “Princess Perfect” here – I don’t like ending at 19!

Wow, 5 minutes is longer than I thought.  Wow, my memory is going.  Wow, I sense that I missed something big.  Wow, that is powerful.  Wow, I have a lot to be grateful for just in this year…imagine if I were to think of my whole life…STUNNING (that is one of my new favorite words).

I am now looking forward to the next time I choose to answer the Reverb10 prompts…maybe tomorrow, maybe never….and that is OKEY DOKEY (pthpthpthpthpth…to you “Princess Perfect”)!

Avoidance

I am avoiding a few emails.  They’re meant for the next phase of PTA activity.  I have a little love-hate relationship with my PTA role.  My love is that I am personally making an impact in the school’s achievement and success, the hate part is…its the PTA for god sakes (think all of the generalized thoughts about PTA mom…and I am NOT that…but have to pretend).  I never saw myself as a PTA mom and so I’m a little “out of my skin” with this role.  However, I know I’m good at what I’m doing.  I can see the impact I have.  I “get to” witness my kids’ education from a proactive perspective.  There is a lot of upside…but the downside can trip me up sometimes.

 

When I procrastinate it can either feel like avoidance OR sometimes I almost have a 6th sense that waiting is a good thing.  There have been times where procrastinating has actually served me well like when a project gets canned before I’ve spent too much time on it OR waiting a little has allowed more answers and information to form so the task can be done more swiftly.  However, there are some times when crappy stuff needs to be done and there are no ‘good reasons’ for waiting except that you abhor the thought of doing what you need to do.  I think I’m in the latter situation. 

 

In the “old days” I would get my dictator whip out and just sit myself down and do it in an un-empowered way, but today, I’m going to devise a plan that feels a little more proactive and fun.  So the goal is…send emails out to key people regarding the next wave of communication (this will be a monthly activity).  It will involve 2/3 emails.  I will set a timer…for 20 minutes.  What I get done in that 20 minutes will be adequate for today.  I will assess the amount of work left to be done.  If it involves another 20 minute stint (or more), I’ll save it for tomorrow.  If it is a few more minutes, I’ll get ‘er done.  When my 20 minutes is up!  I get a juicy reward…to finish my book today Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.  As a bonus:  if I beat the clock…I get to start a new book! 

 

Now I’m excited to get these tasks done.  What a difference 20 minutes makes (that is how long it took to write this blogpost)!

Dictator and Wild Child

This blog is being written by me only because my “Dictator-self” told me I should.  I’ve been avoiding writing and I don’t know why.  I have some investigating to do on this…so my Dictator took control.  Oops, now my “Wild-Child-self” is coming out to say, “hurry up and finish that silly post so we can go frolic with the kids”.  The rational ‘Watcher’ in me sees both internal conversations happening with fascination and I realize that there is work to be done on this writing ‘gig’. 

I love writing.  I love to write from my ‘Essential Self’.  I sense that my ‘Social Self’ thinks I need to write poetically, with a deep and profound message, and a quotable quote every time.  This dissonance allows my Dictator and Wild Child to get antsy and try to control me or release me from all rules (respectively). 

So…Dictator…I write this…and Wild Child…I will play…BUT guess what; I’m onto you and I will be consulting my ‘Essential Self’ for guidance on what I REALLY want, and then, my friends, your days will be numbered (at least until the next dissonance comes along).   

Note:  If any of these ‘selves’ interest you, ask me to tell you more OR you can also consult Martha Beck’s writing where she describes them.  Specifically the books Finding Your Own North Star and The Four Day Win are ones to consider.